Who Do You Want To Be?
by AllMyFacesAreAlibis
Summary: Colin realizes a few things while writing his essay and decides to make things right with Jenna. Can she forgive him?


Who did I want to be?

Well, certainly not the person I was right now. Usually, I was good at writing papers. Mr. Hart had never insulted me as bad as others. He also never praised me like he did with Jenna. And there it was, the heart of my problem, Jenna Hamilton, the girl who had made it impossible to even like the person I currently was. I hated myself because of her. What's worse was I couldn't even bring myself to drown my sorrows in the sweet high of the drugs I had been using for so long. The mere thought of it disgusted me. So I had nothing better to do than sit there and think about how I managed to mess just about every good thing in my life up. I was perfectly happy with my life before she barged in. But I didn't want that life back. Somewhere between all of her concerns about her friends and family, I had started to feel guilty about how I had shut my parents out. I don't think I had spoken to them in at least two months. So when Jenna's parents decided to kick her out, I realized how lucky I was. I never told my parents where I had been, I came and went as I pleased and still my mother cooked me dinner when I was hungry from the high of the drugs. She didn't punish me in any way. Even though I hadn't spoken to her in two months, she still talked to me while I was eating. Sure, most of the time it was just uncomfortable small talk about the weather or she was just informing me that se was going away for the weekend but I realized how hard that must have been for her.

So who did I want to be? A guy who could muster up the courage to speak to his mother for the first time in two whole months. I would also like to stop using drugs all the time. Well, no problem there for the moment, like I said, the mere thought of it seemed disgusting to me now. Especially since the withdrawal set in, I could see now what kind of crap I had been putting in my body. So was determined to stop. I should probably work on getting myself some decent friends too, because I wasn't sure I had any left. I only ever hung out with the guys who gave me drugs and girls I was sleeping with. I had been doing that for a while I guess. But then I met Jenna. She made me want so much more, and realize that I didn't belong with those people. I also didn't belong with the majority of our high school. I was so sick and tired of pretending to be as superficial as they were. So where did I belong? As cliché as it may sound, I want to say with Jenna. Because she was the only person I ever felt connected to. So connected I couldn't keep my hands off of her. It didn't matter that I had a girlfriend, because it was irrelevant. Nothing was going to stop me from going after that girl. Except I screwed it all up. That's probably the thing I wanted to be most of all, someone worthy of Jenna. Clearly, I wasn't. I just brought her into my messed up world and let her destroy herself in the process. I cannot believe I was that much of a jerk. But what was I supposed to do about it now?  
Exactly, instead of just sitting there, whining about everything I did wrong, I had to just go out there and try to mend the burnt bridges. It wasn't going to magically fix everything but I had to at least try.

As I opened the door to the living room, I saw my mother standing there. So decided to walk over to her. Not really knowing what to do exactly, I just put my arms around her and whispered "I'm so sorry mum. I'm so incredibly sorry for how I've been acting." I could see that she was in utter shock. But she got over it rather quickly and told me it was okay. But it really wasn't, was it? I treated her like crap for so long. So I promised her I'd make it up to her and I meant it. Mending the relationship with my father was probably going to take a little more effort than helping with the dishes or setting the table every once in a while. But then again, we had never been close. My mother however, I had truly abandoned for no reason at all. Nothing but selfishness. Suddenly I realized how I had been to tell Jenna she was allowed to be selfish. Not only was it not true at all, it was a complete contradiction to who she was.

So mustered up all of the courage I had left and knocked on Jenna's door. I was secretly hoping one of her parents would open the door and send me away before I could do any more damage than I had already done. Scratch that, I really didn't want to run into her father. He would probably rather kill me with a kitchen knife than let me talk to Jenna. So I was relieved when Jenna opened the door herself. And then slammed it right back in my face. But I guess I should have expected her to do something like that. God knows I deserve it. So I just knocked on the door again and said "Jenna, please open the door. I'd like to apologize." I was rather surprised she opened the door after that, I had expected her to ignore me much longer than that but then again, she had always been a better person than me.  
"Well, by all means, go for it.", she bit at me.  
"I'm extremely sorry about what I did. I'm sorry I encouraged you to do the drugs-  
"Speaking of which, why don't you just go back to them?", she said as she slammed the door in my face again. This time however, I was prepared and my foot prevented the door from closing completely. So she had no choice but to look at me while I answered "I quit drugs.". When she didn't respond, I added "I'm sorry I got you into that mess. I'm sorry I made you shut out all of your friends. I'm so unbelievably sorry for what you lost because of me."  
She stared at me for a few seconds and said "You didn't make me do anything, what I did was on me."  
"Maybe, but I let you. And I shouldn't have."

She looked at me for a long time and finally she asked me in a low voice, as if she was afraid to hear the answer "Why did you sleep with Angelic? I thought we were more than that".  
I could have said the drugs, or because she wasn't there or something else but I decided against that and told her the truth, knowing it probably wasn't going to do me any good. "We were more than that. I've never had feelings for someone like I have for you. But I was afraid to make our relationship exclusive."  
She looked at me in confusion and asked the inevitable question, why?  
"You cheated on Matty with me and as much as I would like to believe you just felt an irresistible pull towards me, I can't. Because if that were true, you wouldn't have run after Matty screaming how big of a mistake I was. You would have let him go, made peace with him when he had cooled down and fallen into my arms. But you didn't."  
"I broke up with him, didn't I?"  
"Yes, but every day you were with me I caught you staring at him. I was afraid you would cheat on me with him so after a while I decided to see our relationship as non-exclusive. That way, I couldn't be let down. Or at least that was the idea. But it still killed me every single time I caught you staring at him."  
"Oh, so it was okay for you to sleep with Angelic all the time but it wasn't okay for me to merely look at Matty? Who I wasn't staring at by the way, I was staring at the people who used to be my friends."  
"I lied, I hadn't slept with her since I broke up with her. Not until that night in the club. I just needed something to convince myself we weren't exclusive. "  
"Why would you lie about that?"  
"You were obviously never going to forgive me anyway and it didn't really matter anyway because you're clearly not over Matty."  
"So why are you here then?"  
"I'm here because I'm trying to be a better person. I just wanted to apologize for what I did to you. It wasn't right. And I know drugs or jealousy are lame excuses but I don't know what else to say. I swear to you, that wasn't me. I am a better person than that. I just have to quit doing drugs and start living in the real world again. So I'm sorry. I really am."  
"Well, you were wrong. You were wrong to think I would cheat on you. Have you ever considered that maybe there's a reason I abandoned my boyfriend, friends and family for you? I did it because I wanted to be with you. I felt this pull towards you as if we had a deeper connection I couldn't run from. I wanted a relationship like that, instead of the superficial thing I had with Matty. So I didn't care if I had to ruin my life for you, I did it without question. I ruined all my friendships because I was defending you. But I missed them, my friends, my family because you rarely spent time with me without getting high."  
"And you have no idea how much I regret that. If I could go back and change it, I would. But if you wanted me that badly, why didn't you just break up with Matty before you started this thing with me?"  
"I couldn't. I wasn't ready to let it go yet. I am now. I realize I have outgrown the relationship I had with him."  
"So what are you saying?"  
"I'm saying our timing was bad. I shouldn't have hurt Matty the way I did, we shouldn't have been together in the first place. Neither of us were ready to have the relationship we should have had."  
"So you forgive me?"  
"Yes, I forgive you."  
"Good. Because I love you. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to win you back. We may not have been ready for it then, but we are now. So I'm going to fight for you."  
"You want to win me back? Be nice to my friends this time…" And as she whispered those last words she stepped onto the porch and crashed her lips into mine. I definitely wasn't expecting that but having her in my arms again was the best feeling in the world. And I would never let her go again. So I kissed her like she was the last breath I would ever breathe.

**I'd love to know what you think of it, so my writing can improve.  
If anyone would like me to continue this story, please let me know. Otherwise this will remain a one-shot.**


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